Then i heard every single rain beat in my bedroom window... In the middle of february, 1995, at 3 AM, in that black morning!... When the wind started to blow furious far away, through the weirdest unknown and back against my brain, through tones of destroyed thoughts and losted memories and then i begun to feel and taste the supreme pressure, realising that i've losted my childhood forever and all my power of living for more than one year in just one diabolic moment... And then was the perfect time for:
PANIC PANIC PANIC
I thought that an stroke will hitt me and i'll die!
I was just a child... A very beautiful and happy child... But, i had too many worryes all the time and was no one there to comfort me!... That was the painful start of first depression from my life and all my life was not the same since that night... I've been awake the rest of it and i cryed, being too scared of all those horrible feelings... I stil not realised that i was hitted by an train called depression! Early in the morning i've gone out from the house and... Seeing the sun, my beautiful little yard and all the things that used to make me smile just "yesterday", i knew that i losted my ability of being happy... Before i used to smile, to play with my friends, to enjoy reading books, to love the nature... But in that day new feelings and thousands of questions were taking place of my old ones with the brutality of losing innocence through rape! Only those who were experienced depression in their lifes can understand how hard it was for me! ...And i started to cry, praying by God to take that emotional horror away and to give in return the greatest physical pain which i can support with pain killers, because i knew then, at 12 years old, what a bitch can be depression! And... Was a hard bitch!! I started to hate nights because i couldn't sleep only few hours in the mornings, sadness being more powerful during the evenings and nights, when i learned to cry more only because of silence... SILENCE took the face of death, for me!! After 3 or 4 days, i just couldn't beir anymore, so i've gone to the pharmacy to ask if they have Prozac...! I heard about Prozac from the age of ten, when i started to read a book about american teenagers... So, she asked me why do i need Prozac! I told her that i have a depression! "We need a medical prescription, a speciall prescription" said pharmacist. I told her that i wasn't to see an doctor yet and i begged her to give me something quick, anything, but without prescription and she answered me that only Extraveral and AntiStress could give me without a prescription... So i took AntiStress... I started to eat those grey little pills every day 3/1 and to autosuggest my self with the optimistic thought that i'll gett to feel better someday soon... But the real effect was minimum! The summer come'd after a long and extremely hard spring which i don't want to remember about and nothing was changed... I just couldn't find a small thing to make me happy or just to take me out from that horrible sadness! And i don't seen an doctor! My mother, a hard working woman, was not interested about my problem and told me that is just my imagination and depression is a sickness invented by rich people to justifie their lazyness... My mother had her's communist ideas and stil has them... And all the people from my village have the same sick ideology! See next post... belldeblue
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