That summer was ravished by many storms but, an diabolic anticyclon took'd full control over my mind and nothing could excite me quite enough to pull me out from that strange and killing mood... I just couldn't feel nothing and nothing could touch my soul... My feelings were dead! Then, after 5 months, being too scared by the unchanged, strange situation, i realised that i must do something and fast! My first five taken measures were this:
1. I've started to build for my self an imaginary world with imaginary characters... First one, with who i had my first conversation, was Roxy, a beautiful 15 years old girl, who slept with me every night since then and used to keep me in her arms and to kiss me...! My next two characters were little b. and big b. . With those two I've create an some kind of theatre team or something like that and we started to play different characters in different imaginary situations full filled with huge dozen of satisfaction! But, even so, i couldn't get too much mind excitation from those games, just as much as keeping me alive!
2. I realised that some movies are making me extremely sad in that sensitive situation, exciting my nervs in to a negative way, so i stopped watching horrors and dramas! I've start to see only comedy movies... This measure brought me a little few more endorphines... Oh!... I so needed those endorphines!!...
3. I continued to take my pills with vallerian extract and fenobarbital twice a day! Without interruption! I stopped taken them only after one year and five months when I've started to feel better...
4. After a while I've begun to understand one new important thing; that sex is good!... But, how to do it and with who?!? I had no idea! And i was very ashamed too thinking on that!!... In fact i never had the courage to start a sexuall relationship with someone, except my mind's creatures, and i am still virgin... All that because my huge timidity! ...so... "Go rock by your self!" Haha... Masturbation...! Then, at 12 years old, masturbation was something new for me and i found that little game very helpful and... I continued to do it... Well... "Rock on..." I must stop someday, because i am 26 years old and i need a real girl and few kids maybe, so... I must stop! And...
5. My decisive step in good direction was when i started to learn how to paint and draw! I've found a great teacher, big painter from Sibiu city, and i started to go at his classes of paint with others boys of different ages. Drawing i realised the most important thing in my life! That art in general with his huge creative potential can bring you more satisfaction than any other job or hobby! When i start drawing all my demons were suddenly transported from my mind on that piece of paper and finally i could feel my self released a little bit of that huge implossive pressure from my brain and, at the end, looking at every finished piece of my own work i start to feel all that, so needed and waited, satisfaction! So I've won two great things from art: FREEDOM and SATISFACTION! Not even today i can't say that my depression was ever or is now gone! No, is not! But, is more easy now for me to carry it...! And, maybe, that's why my crisis from 2001 and 2008 were shorter and a little easier for me to carry them...
I still don't know how my first depression stopped, because she disappeared quickly like she was started... In one diabolic moment! But I've learned from those crisis three important things:
1. To try harder every day to winn as many good friends as possible!
2. To cherish them, respect them and to never hurt them!
3. To open my soul for all of them without shame at all and to accept every little help from their part with gratitude!
I wait for the day when you, no matter who you are, will become my friend! belldeblue
All starts and disappear like that, like a thunderstrike! So... Be ready!
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